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Leading from the Inside Out: What Every Leader Needs to Know About Relationships, Self-Worth, and Authentic Growth
Introduction
Well, welcome again everyone. Have you ever struggled with building the right kind of relationship in your work? If you’re in the role of leadership, the ability to build effective relationships with your people, with stakeholders, and even with customers can make or break your success as a leader. Today, my guest is someone who has done a lot of work in that space. Her name is Donna Parker. Donna, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much, Doug. Thanks for having me.
Donna is a world traveler in the literal sense of the word. She has migrated to ship bound residency, and that’s something she and I are going to talk about offline here. You know, I want to get more details. I might be very interested, but, tell us about your work. You run a nonprofit that is dedicated to helping people in this space. Tell us a little more specifically of the focus there.
Meet the Guest: Donna Parker
Sure. So, you know, I have been since I was a young girl, just trying to understand the difference between people that are, you know, creating and living and inspiring, fulfilling lives and where some people continue to, you know, struggle and limp their way through life. And so anything to do with maximizing human behavior, human potential, and creating a fulfilling life that we love. I’ve been studying and researching and teaching and, yeah, that’s what I love to do and, and from individuals, you know, to the family system, you know, from the micro to the macro to companies, you know, it’s almost like it all takes on very similar patterns.
And so once we can look at the inner world, it changes in the reflection of the outer world. You change your relationships, change the people around you change what? You start to create shifts.
The Inner Work That Changes Everything
Yep. So much is done in this space. And as an executive coach, I deal with this frequently. And, you know, in terms of ethical standard, we as coaches always have to caution our clients on getting too close to the perilous dip into psychotherapy. But that’s not to say our coaching sessions don’t get real close to that, because that inner work is so incredibly important to impact the outer work that may be going on.
So if you’re operating with a bunch of limiting beliefs about who and what you are, haven’t made the effort to do a deep dive into understanding why or how those things are manifesting. Sometimes that’s the exact place you have to start if you say you want to make a change, you want to do something better, more impactful, more significant. You’ve got to start with that work first.
That’s it, that’s it. Many individuals are trying to change the outer. You know, I’ll just cut and leave the relationship or I’ll quit the job. But we follow ourselves everywhere. So it’s just a matter of time. I mean, I’ve worked with so many sea levels, and, you know, eventually they start seeing the pattern of where they’re having the same challenges and relationships, the same conflicts.
And, you know, Romans two one, when you point your finger, you have three pointing back at you. And so it’s the opportunity to do the inner work, which then changes the entire dynamics in the office. In the work. In the family. With yourself.
We Are Communal Beings — And That’s the Challenge
Yeah. And you know, it is interesting. We are fundamentally created as communal beings or some people call it tribal beings. We ultimately, at our core, want to be part of something, something greater than ourselves. And yet it’s often those limiting beliefs that keep us away. They keep us hidden at home, hidden in our work, unavailable to the people around us. And that creates this kind of mental conundrum that you want it but you don’t. And it’s a tough struggle in that regard.
It is. It can be. And, you know, one of the things I love and teach when we start to understand — either we are too humble and we’re minimizing ourselves, like you said, through limiting beliefs and not recognizing that we have our own genius.
And one of the things I love to help awaken in individuals is comparison is the thief of joy. So if I’m putting anyone above me, then I’m minimizing myself. Then I’m injecting their beliefs, their shoulds, their values into me. And I’m minimizing myself and I’m subordinating. And that will eventually in business and partnership and relationship that will become uninspiring, unsustainable and will lead to futility.
And so then we eventually empower ourselves to own our own worth, to own our own value. But then often we then become over empowered and then inject and make them the villain. And so the wisdom is to actually recognize in self or in the reflective — into me. See what I see in you as me. So there’s no one above us or beneath us. What I see within them is me.
So if we have someone that we have — there’s no one above you or beneath you. And that’s where we start to look at because we want to disown parts of ourselves. We want to put people either above us and put them on pedestals.
And then we’re moving away from our own voice and our own vision. And so then our worth starts to become on the outer versus the inner. And then the voices on the outside start running our life versus the voice on the vision and the inside, which is going to be futility because we’re living in somebody else’s shoulds and subordination and someone else’s values, which is futility.
Key Discussion Point 1: Living in Alignment with Your Highest Values
So the wisdom is actually getting clear with alignment in what’s truly meaningful and inspiring for you. Not the outside world. Because because of what you’re saying. Because we want to fit in. Many of us spend time subordinating, contorting, distorting, conforming to fit in at a cost to what’s truly, deeply meaningful to ourselves.
So I say, one of the most important things we can do is really get clear with what are your highest life priorities? What do you do that no one has to remind you to do every day? That brings inspiration — like no one has to remind me to wake up and have this conversation with you.
I love seekers. I love anything to do with, you know, empowering, inspiring and expanding and learning and growing. So no one has to remind me to do that. No one has to remind me to get to the Pilates, have water, go to the gym. You know, what do you do organically that is inspiring and meaningful? And then how do you create your days and do more of that?
And then look at where are we busting? Where are we muster-baiting? Where are we shooting? Where is that coming from? What authority figure is that coming from? And how do we start to become authority of our own life? Because no one is going to wake up dedicating their life to you. Only you can do that.
So then it’s getting clear and giving yourself permission and taking away from those authorities and the shoulds that we’re living in. Well, this is what a good wife does, this is what a good husband does.
All the guilts, all the shoulds — well, that eventually leads to futility. And often depression is just feedback to get us in alignment with our authentic self, that we have an unrealistic expectation and a fantasy of our life that isn’t actually in alignment with what’s truly, deeply meaningful that we’re living. Sometimes I’ve worked with people that are living in shoulds from their parents, and they actually don’t even love what they’re doing all day long.
So I think it’s giving yourself permission to live a life that’s truly in alignment with your values and highest purpose. And then it’s asking the questions and figuring out what is that?
Real-World Consequences of Living Someone Else’s Life
I think that’s so vital and important. The shoulds and musts and all that is often programmed at an early age. And as you said, you know, people now living their life doing things their mom and dad wanted them to do, and they’re miserable. They hate it. I have a person I know that’s doing exactly that — was told which direction he was supposed to go in school.
He did it. He complied, did it, went to the masters level and moved on and got into work doing that. And he’s now at a retirement age and his whole career was misery. It was just very unfulfilling. And, you know, he’s in a place now. It’s kind of technically behind him. It provided wealth to create a lifestyle in retirement. But you know he’s going to go out saying what could have happened because he doesn’t know what could have happened.
Exactly. And I think that’s where we can have the wisdom of the ages, where then you’re looking back. Or you can start to ask yourself the quality questions that can help you get present to giving yourself permission to be yourself. But we disown parts of ourself and personas, you know, because we’re two-sided beings.
If someone challenges your values, you’re going to be as mean as a tiger. If someone supports them and is in align with them and you see more similarities than difference, you’re going to be nice.
So we’re nice, we’re mean, we’re kind, we’re cruel, we’re two-sided. And it’s just a matter of — is this person supporting what I believe or are they challenging? Right. So if someone’s going to judge me on my ability to, you know, clean house or bake or have traditional roles of a female, then they’re going to look down on me, they’re going to have a should on me. Right. But that’s because that’s their values.
You know, if someone has a high value on relationship. And I work with couples regularly and often we take things personally. Well, if you loved me, you’d do this and you should do this. And this should be what a couple does. And it’s like, who says? Who says, right? We take it personal and it isn’t actually — in business, in family systems, it’s more about love is: I want you fulfilled in your values and what’s really meaningful and important to you.
And you fill your own values and what’s truly meaningful and important to you because so many of us, again, it’s futility. We subordinate, contort and distort to please. But it’s just a matter of time. It’s not sustainable. If you move away from what’s deeply meaningful, you’ll eventually get resentful. And that charge is what catapults us to move.
Key Discussion Point 2: You Complete You — Not Someone Else
I often on that note about couples — I have often talked to people. There’s a line from a famous movie that the girl says to the guy, “you complete me.” I cringe at that line. I think that’s the most horrific line ever put in a rom com about anything, and it gives people such a bad idea about how things should be. And to use your word, because if two people cannot enter into a relationship already whole. Yeah. To build a greater good together, the idea of expecting the other person to fill a void you may have is a very unfair and unrealistic expectation.
And it’s unsustainable. Exactly. And that’s where all the volatilities come in the relationship dynamics.
And I completely agree. I’ve actually said that before. I was like — “you complete me” — I mean I don’t want to complete somebody. We will not work. I’m out. You complete you. I don’t want that pressure. I can’t be responsible for your happiness. You know, to smother leads to another. Right. So it’s the principle to flee — they follow.
But ultimately, I see relationships in all the ways as a Venn diagram. There’s a you, there’s a me. And then we get to decide what the “we” looks like in a business and, you know, in parent-child, in romantic. Right. It’s coming — like you’re saying — two whole people that come into the middle.
But so often I work with couples and there’s this — “well, they’re selfish.” I’m like, are they? Or are they living in their highest values? And are you selfish, expecting them to live in your shoulds and in your values? So, you know, it’s very different.
But we are — you know, from the Disney princesses and then all this — the unrealistic expectations and shoulds. And it’s really about again being complete on your own and to hold people coming together by choice and inspiration versus the need.
Taking the Inner Work Into Your Leadership
Right. And I think then when people do turn to their work world, there is an amazing drive to kind of fulfill what you’re not getting in your private life, in your work life. And that is similarly — if you can’t be whole where you are, you can’t expect others to fill that hole. And that is true of your boss and your coworkers. If you can’t show up whole, or you show up with this whole list of expectations, you know they should be doing this. They should be doing that. You know, you’re constantly unhappy in the moment. I’m sorry, my friend. That’s on you. That’s not them.
Yep, yep. That’s another thing I love to assist people with — is either link what you are presenting to your values so that you can love it, or figure out giving yourself permission to actually do an align and do what you love.
But I’ve worked with a guy and I was like, oh, we’re going to quit the job again. We’re going to quit the job again. But you keep having the same challenges — like you blame the boss, so you leave the job and then you’re in the new situation. Oh, weird. You’re having the same challenges, right?
It’s an invitation — like you’re saying — to go: this is your work. This is you. Right. So what you’re seeing in him is you. And what happens is, you know, the masses learn to take a stance and they make somebody right, or they make somebody wrong, and the master learns to dance. You know, masses — it’s a gain or a loss and good and bad and right and wrong — and masters, it’s about transformation and wisdom. Right? And we learn to dance with the energy and the judgments. And the charges are an invitation. So it’s — you know, what I see in them is me.
So if I have a boss that — I don’t know, let’s give an example. I worked with somebody that wouldn’t listen. Had to be right. Didn’t see my work. Didn’t see my value. Unrealistic expectations. Was shooting on me. Wouldn’t listen. Blaming. You know, it’s an invitation to look inward. And whatever we see in that person is us — who sees us that way? Right. Where have I shown up in that form?
And then — if we start balancing the equation — what am I learning? What feedback am I getting from this situation? What is this invitation from this challenge? Do I need to learn how to communicate better? Like so what? So every opportunity is an invitation for a growth edge. We either see it happening to us or for us. Life is on the way or in the way, and it’s all about the quality questions that we ask that help us appreciate the opportunity.
So challenges become as much appreciated as the support because we grow on the border of challenge and support. So the delusion that we’re going to go into a business and it’s going to be all roses — or a relationship or anything in life — we have to have thorns. We have to have pain and pleasure, light and dark to grow.
Behind the Scenes: The Unconscious Patterns Running Your Life
And so that’s one of the things I love — assisting individuals with helping them look at what are you up to and what are you continuing to co-create? What are the unconscious patterns that are running your life? And the interesting thing is the setup is often — you know, we can link it back to them being five. It’s like the same unconscious pattern with different players in the movie.
So we cut them out, we make them wrong, we make them the bad guys. But it’s just a matter of time before you bring in the same dynamics, the same pattern, the situation, because life loves us that much — that it’s going to continue to give us the feedback and the homeostatic feedback system to make sure that we’re growing.
Yeah. There’s a theologian out of Dallas named Tony Evans that famously one time said, God is a little bit like a school teacher. He’s going to keep giving you the exam until you pass.
That’s it.
And so if you’re asking yourself — if you have the modicum of self-reflection that says, why am I still doing this? Why is this happening again and again and again? Well, guess what? You haven’t passed the test yet. You need to do something different to get past that and move on to the next level and keep that growth mode happening.
I tell people when they have had a genuinely bad experience at work, like they got fired or they got laid off, or they were in fact treated unfairly by a boss or a co-worker. The ultimate question is: from that moment, are you going to be bitter or are you going to be better? And is there something to be learned in that moment of a positive nature? Don’t reinforce your potentially already negative thinking about yourself, but find that positive insight that says, yeah, I could have done that differently. I’m glad that happened. I’ve learned X, Y, or Z. Now I can take that with me and I’ll make it better the next time.
That’s it. That’s it. And I love that. Better or bitter.
Yeah.
And we get to choose. You know. And it’s interesting because I also work with clients that talk about, well, I just have self-defeating behavior and I just put myself down. And what I love — I go to help people with and understanding is — to the degree that we put ourselves down, is also to the degree that we self-righteously build ourselves up.
So if we get arrogant in pride, and then we’re looking down on and shooting on others and how it should be — think like me, act like me and choke the way I think you should — we get self-righteous and then it’s just a matter of time. So we build ourselves up and we beat ourselves up just depending on the dynamic. And so these are the things that I love to open and awaken people to.
I’m just self-sabotaging. I’m like — you have an overconfidence, a pride, and you have the shame. And so it’s actually finding the over-empowered, the disempowered and finding the middle to make sure that your expectations are realistic. Because often we’re chasing a fantasy.
So let’s get the realistic expectations of yourself in all the areas in life. And then it’s about, how are you prioritizing every day to help you become in alignment with those? Because no one’s going to wake up and dedicate their life to you. You have to do that. You have to do that.
And so many of us are living by default in desperation instead of inspiration. So it’s the questions that start us thinking, you know, but many again stay bitter or a victim and feel like, oh, they’re doing this to me. And I love to ask these series of questions that help them see — no, no, no, this is for you. And what are you up to and where were you unconsciously? What is the wisdom? What is the invitation? And how do we continue to expand and grow and learn and evolve? Or to your point, we just get it.
We can be very hard-headed sometimes. The two by four doesn’t work for me. I need like a ten by four. I need like a smack to the head. But life loves us so much — like you’re saying — it’s going to keep giving us the invitation, the lesson, the pattern.
Key Discussion Point 3: Imposter Syndrome — Owning the Traits of the Greats
Yeah, yeah. It is so important to figure out how to embrace the learning that might be out there in the moments you do experience that didn’t turn out quite the way you wanted them to. I want to shift gears a little bit. Donna, let’s talk about the imposter syndrome. That comes up a lot in discussion with business leaders. What’s your general take and what do you say to people about that idea?
The imposter syndrome — I would have to get curious with the specifics to tease it out with them. But often when I notice that where it becomes a self-worth, you know — it’s looking at a modality. It’s called owning the traits of the greats. Right. Again, comparison is the thief of joy.
So this is something my partner John DeMartini teaches. And it’s magnificent because again it’s nothing is missing in us. It’s our perceptions. Right. So if I have an imposter syndrome, I actually worked with someone. I did the traits of the great on owning their form of CEOs. And we took the top CEOs, and he owned all the qualities and the traits that he admired — the certainty, the poise, the presence, the, you know, the relentless pursuit of their mission. Whatever he admired, he owned his form in himself.
And then we looked at who he had above him, and we looked at what’s the downside to the form that he’s seeing them represent those traits so we can bring it into equilibrium. And looking at the upside to his genius. It’s almost like, you know, the ability judging a fish on its ability to climb a tree. Well, that’s not their genius.
That’s not their greatness. So once we can see that — what I see in them is me, into me, see — I just have it in a different form. You change your frequency, you change your vibration. Right.
And so part of it is looking at where are we putting ourselves beneath. And the other piece is — it’s okay not to know. It’s okay to, especially if we’re starting new, it’s giving ourselves that — having that unrealistic expectation. Many people start a new position and have that fantasy and unrealistic expectation that they should have it figured out. Well, give yourself that three month, that six month, ask for help, get assistance. And so it’s that balance of owning the self-worth and also being okay to ask for help. Get curious. Ask questions. Get the resources. Get the tools.
I had a client once.
It really goes down to self-worth and owning your form.
Yeah, and I think at some point there’s definitely a fear element in there somewhere. The fear of being found out that you, for whatever reason, don’t have the knowledge or the confidence or whatever. And I know there’s a lot of great work that’s been done on helping people build — it’s not about eliminating fear. It’s about building a more healthy relationship with fear and being able to recognize fear not as an ultimate threat, but rather a, you know, potentially a pause, but then to come up with a healthier response to it.
Because in reality, even though our brains are wired and pre-programmed to keep us safe and keep us alive, and that’s where we get elements of fear. When we sense that we’re in danger. Our brains go into a different chemical cycle and start processing differently. And that’s what throws us off our game. But if you can learn more proactively, and particularly in a business sense, there aren’t very many businesses where people’s survival are literally in question.
I mean, I know there’s dangerous manufacturing and engineering and construction mining, et cetera, that yes, the environment is perilous. And you have to be smart and safe when you’re doing it. Those areas aside, most every other — and particularly in white collar work — nobody’s lives are in danger here. What’s the pressure you’re really feeling? Why? Why are you so spun up over this?
And it’s often can link back to, you know, the five year old perception of failure. The five — you know — the peeing your pants in front of the class. I mean, I’ve worked through all kinds of different things that will run people’s lives, that will keep them small in that way. And so to your point, it is establishing such a different relationship in the confidence and using — not being afraid of failure, where in every failure there’s a success. Both — it’s all wisdom.
Yeah, right.
And fear is an opportunity to look at what are the limiting beliefs and what am I actually ready to rise into? And what is my fear? And then I love to take people through — what is my greatest fear? What would be the benefit? Right? Like balance the equation.
What’s the benefit if that happens to you?
Yeah.
You know because so — and often it’s the fear of what other people think about us. Right. And to be a leader, we have to be ready to be despised and admired. Because if I’m trying to please everyone, I’m not pleasing myself. I’m not being me.
You know, individuals are going to like and support. They’re going to despise and challenge. And in the same moment, actually — when we understand the quantum field — you’re getting both. So the invitation is just to get clear so that you can give yourself permission to be yourself in a world that’s constantly trying to tell you to be somebody different. Right.
And so it is — it’s looking at where do some of those limiting beliefs, where is some of those fears — what are we trying to, like you said, seek and avoid from the amygdala — and we’re not under threat. We’re not under survival. And so being able to regulate the nervous system and get present to, you know, some of those unconscious patterns that are still running your life.
And I didn’t get to finish the story — when I had that client own the traits of the greats of a CEO. Within a month, he was offered a CEO position. So it is a — you know, we are co-creating in this magnificent electromagnetic field. It is a self-reflective universe. So what is in the inner, the outer is reflecting back to us.
And it’s all feedback and it’s magnificent — to your point, it’s this beautiful school of a homeostatic feedback for you to step into your authentic self and remember and remove the shoulds and the masks and the personas that we have learned since our childhood to fit in. But it’s such an unconscious pattern. Many of us don’t even take them off because we don’t even know we’re wearing them.
Practical Advice: Define the Leader You Want to Be
Right? And there’s a great opportunity. And I do this with most of my leadership clients — to work proactively to define the leader you really want to be. And yes, you can take input from those you’ve experienced, people you’ve worked for that you admired. You were talking about your CEO candidate, you know, looking at different leaders and different attributes that he admired about those.
If you take all that and create your own framework of belief to say, now here’s the leader I want to be — I want to, you know, you can start with things like trustworthy, reliable, adaptable, relatable, approachable, you know, all these different value propositions that can make it up. But the key thing is: make one up, you know, do the work to decide and define who and what you really want to be as a leader, so that you have a foundation to come from.
And that is that inner work again, and is redefining what you might be accidentally putting out there, but now you become more intentional about what you’re putting out there, and that creates that elevated sense of purpose and presence that people then start to recognize and gravitate toward.
Definitely in a leader. Yeah. And it’s getting comfortable because part of leadership — it’s not about being liked, it’s about being liked and disliked. You know, it’s — and so with that, yes, you have to — like you’re saying — you have to get really clear and really present to what you would love to lead and to why. And having realistic expectations of what that entails and where are you putting your time, your energy, your priority?
Because many talk about that, you know, but then they’re not taking the actions to study, to create, to align, to network, to create the opportunities.
But energy flows where your attention goes. So yeah, exactly — where, how are you getting clear about what you want to create and who you are? And who do we have to become to become that leader in the process? And we have to be able to equilibrate and master our inner world so we can be a leader on the outer world.
And if we’re swinging in our own inner world from the family system, relationship, you know, in our own — you know, it’s really hard to, if we can’t manage the inner, it’s really hard to manage the outer. So the key thing for a leader, right, is to get that — like you’re saying — to get that inner equilibration in order and having those realistic expectations in alignment and prioritization, because that’s going to come through with the authenticity on your teams, in your teams.
Closing Thoughts
Right? For sure. Well, Donna, I think we’re about up on time. This has been wonderful. Thank you so much for sitting in and sharing.
Tell people the best way to get in touch with you.
Well, thank you so much for the opportunity, Doug. This is very inspiring and thank you for the work you’re doing to help people wake up their inspiring leadership and their greater vision. To create a life they love. So the best way to get in touch with me is my website at WW. Or you can also email me at Parker at Comcast net. So those are the two best ways right now.
And I love to assist women in — I teach masterminds and I work with couples, families, retreats. And I love to teach these principles about figuring out what isn’t inspiring, what are my highest values, and how do I give myself permission to step into that leadership in my own life, which then again, bridges into every area in the family, in the company, etc. from the micro to the macro.
Right? The tank has to be full in order to give so that.
Isn’t that the truth? And that we’re not always — we’re often, you know, putting that oxygen mask on first.
Right, right. That’s right. Well, folks, as always, we’re going to have her links in our show notes, so feel free to check that out and do visit us over on YouTube. See the video archive we have of all of these shows. We are rapidly coming up on number 500 and could be happening soon. In fact, Donna’s might be 500. I don’t have the list up in front of me, but we’ll see you when it gets out for production. But looking forward to having that milestone and having you with us on that journey. Click the subscribe button over on YouTube if you will. Let us know your comments and thoughts about things that you’ve got going on in your work world. Would love to hear from you. For now, I’m going to sign off. Say goodbye. Go out there and make it a great day.
Meet Our Guest
Global coach, Demartini facilitator, Advanced Synergistic Play Therapist, Parent Educator, and EMDR Practitioner, Donna Parker is the founder of Evolve Coaching.
She works with clients of all ages on many issues ranging from parenting, neuroscience to business building. Her progressive approach allows her to meet the needs of a full spectrum of clients, and assist clients to deal with issues and help them to take life-changing inspired action in quantum time.
As a speaker and trainer, she believes that everyone has the potential for greatness and success. Encouraging, relatable, humorous, and empathetic, Donna has educated thousands of people about how to rewire their brains and recondition their bodies to make lasting changes.
Donna Parker uses research from the latest findings of neuroscience, epigenetic, and quantum physics to guide her practice. She uses this knowledge and 25 years of clinical experience to assist clients to understand their behavior and the keys to empowerment.
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